Do you ever wonder to yourself “why am I like this?” I did. When I was around family and friends, I would notice how they appear to be happy, patient, relaxed or energetic and I felt the opposite. I didnt voice it out if fear of judgement. I tried to push those feeling down and hoped they would somehow disappear but they didnt. It bothered me that I wasn’t enjoying life like the people around me. Comparing myself to them made me feel worse and even a little jealous. I wanted to know how to feel happy and that question appeared in my mind over and over. “Why am I like this?” I never thought ID have the answer to that question and maybe I didnt want it for a long time. It’s like asking yourself “what’s wrong with me?” Who really wants to admit they might be the reason for their own unhappiness? I often figured this was going to be me for the rest of my life, pretending to be happy on the outside and barely hanging on inside.
For a very long time I didn’t question why I was feeling certain thoughts and emotions or if what I was feeling actually based on truth. I just knew that I wasn’t happy and when I got to the point that I could no longer hide my negative emotions, that’s where I finally started questioning them. Now, I wanted the answer. I wanted to feel better, to stop pretending. I knew that something needed to change. In the past, I had used drugs, prescription medications, retail therapy, people and various other things that I thought would make me feel better and most times I ended up feeling worse. I didn’t realize then, that the problem was inside me and I was looking for a solution outside of me.
Our childhood encounters with family, friends, etc. affects our perceptions of the world and even ourselves. Our subconscious records our responses and feelings to these encounters, which plays in the background of our minds without us even realizing it. This continues into our adult years if left unchecked. Negative or positive, it becomes part of us and is a key factor in our interactions with others. Growing up, I feared my step-father at home and my biological father lived states away, only seeing him once a year, if I saw him at all. I believe it was these relationships that led to my feelings of unworthiness and inadequacies, which I carried with me into my 40’s. I never thought that my step-father was angry because of his own issues or that my father wasn’t around because of his own problems, I thought I was the problem. How would a child know to question things as this, anyway? When I realized my current feelings were a result of the past and what I told myself about it, I had the answer to my question. I am like this now, because of me. I may not have had much control over how I was treated when I was young but I do have control over how I will let the past affect me in the present moment. This is where responsibility for myself comes in.
I needed to see the cycles that I’ve kept myself locked in. I needed to analyze my thought patterns and question where they came from and if they carry any truth. This means being aware at all times of my thinking and how it applies to current circumstances. Checking myself to see if my current emotion is due to what is actually in front of me or if I’m triggered because of an unresolved issue of my past. I needed to review what my current belief systems are and decide if they are still relevant. Correcting or letting go of beliefs that no longer serve me is where I am creating my change.
Transforming my way of thinking to me more positive and resilient to the changing world around me will probably be a lifelong practice. As mentioned earlier, checking feelings against the present time and what I’ve experienced in the past has given me insight to why I have struggled with my own feelings. Updating my own belief systems has led me to feeling lighter and calmer inside, which you just cant put a price on. But I had to choose to do the work. It isn’t easy to face yourself but it is truly rewarding to finally feel some peace.
